Father Peter's Forum

July 2008

TO:     Campus – Family-Teachers; Community Directors; School Teachers
RE:     Weekly Words of Encouragement

Both your Protestant pastors and Catholic pastors are committed to Weekly Words of Encouragement.  The Dowd Chapel Words of Encouragement will, hopefully, be not only inspirational, but also informational.  In other words, hopefully we can inspire one another and also learn from each other.

This first Weekly Word of Encouragement is entitled: How Does God Parent Us and How Should We Parent.  Happy reading.

How Does God Parent Us and How Should We Parent

                                                                        Val J. Peter

1. What kind of parenting works best?

1.      Over many decades in secular circles various models of parenting were vying with each other making claims to be the one giving better results or the very best one.  The following models of parenting were compared by researchers:

a.      Authoritarian parenting (firm discipline and not much warmth)

b.      Ideological permissive parenting (much warmth, but no firm discipline): belief in the liberal view that discipline is out and counseling and coaching and only positive praise with no negative consequences is in, together with warmth…yes, warmth without firm discipline.

c.      Neglectful permissive parenting (neither discipline nor warmth).
d.      Authoritative parenting (firm discipline with sufficient warmth).  Research has shown it has clearly won.  It is the most effective parenting with the best results.

Yes, the results of the research are in.  The contest is over.

2. Authoritative parenting was originally described in the seminal work of Diana Baumrind (1967, 1971).  It has two equally important components: 


1. Fair consistent discipline and structure and oversight.
2. Warmth and emotional attachment and nurturing.



Others then began to replicate the studies of Baumrind (1969, 1972, 1976, 1990, 1998).  The early research showed it clearly works so well for young people.  Then the question was asked if authoritative parenting also works best among adolescents.  The results are in.  The research says a resounding yes it does.

3. What does research show about authoritarian parenting?  (Firm limits, firm control, without sufficient warmth and nurturing)  Yes, it does bring compliance to kids in school and decent grades.  It keeps kids mainly away from drugs and alcohol.  The price a youth pays is often depression, loneliness and anxiety.  Authoritarian parenting almost overpowers the children and adolescents into obedience.  Critics say often that kids are like robots or one step away from implosion. 



4.      What does research say about ideological permissive parenting?  These are the people who buy into the idea that authority is bad and that negative consequences or punishment should never be used.  You should use counseling.  You should use positive praise, children should not have to take orders and you should never lay down the law to them.  Ads for positive parenting like to compare it to authoritarian parenting because it looks better.  A lot of kids do well in school with positive parenting, but research shows positive parenting kids are more prone to drugs and alcohol use and other problem behaviors.  It also does not work with very difficult kids.     

5.      What does research show about neglectful permissive parenting?  By definition, this neglectful parenting lacks both warmth and firm discipline.  All research shows that it produces the least desirable, most negative effects.  Positive parenting likes to compare itself to this neglectful parenting, because it looks better. 

6.      Authoritative parenting (firm discipline and much warmth) has clearly won out as the best, most effective with very good results.

B.      The Religious Connection:

The Scriptures give lots of indications that the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ is best described as loving us no matter what (warmth) and giving us Ten very serious Commandments (firm discipline).  So the authoritative parenting which secular research shows gives the best results turns out to be an image of God’s dealings with us, His creatures, His sons, His daughters.  In other words, the proponents of authoritative parenting can honestly say it best represents the image of God for moms and dads and their relationship with their children.

It should surprise no one that the churches which create authoritative communities (firm discipline with lots of warmth) get the best results, too.  And they clearly mirror the relationship of God our Heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus with us and give more role modeling to parenting on how to be authoritative in relationship to their children.  God brings children into the lives of moms and dads who are to mirror God’s care, love and discipline.

Wouldn’t it be great if our schools had that same authoritative character?     

3. Research today is now adding a third ingredient to authoritative parenting.  It is an in an ingredient in addition to warmth and firm discipline.  It is called emotional autonomy.  Researchers point out that kids mature faster and better if they are able, especially adolescents, to appropriately express their feelings, their emotions and their views within the context of, on one hand, firm discipline and, on the other hand, warmth and nurturing. 

Emotional autonomy with warmth means it is not simply a command and control relationship.  I, as a youth, can appropriately express my feelings, my emotions, my views and accommodation by my parents can be made wherever possible in accord with warmth and discipline. 

Emotional autonomy is also linked with firm discipline and attacks the “fake it to make” mistake of so many youth: “I say yes to my mom and dad to their face and talk negatively about them behind their backs.”  That is what fake it to make it does.  Emotional autonomy means something else.  It means that an adolescent says: “Sometimes I get very frustrated doing what mom and dad want and I can’t approach them and tell them that.  But sometimes when mom and dad see my point of view, they will make some adjustments and I, as a youth, will be more comfortable and will not have to talk behind their backs negatively.  I can learn self-discipline and the discipline of my mom and dad.”

The religious connection.  If you read the Psalms, you will see that emotional autonomy is central to almost all 150 of them.  The Prophet Isaiah and the Book of Job are good examples of the scriptures filled with emotional autonomy.  Jesus’ prayer in the garden:  “Father, if it be possible, let this chalice pass from me,” is one powerful, huge example of emotional autonomy.  It is tied to His words:  “Not my will but thine be done” and His words, too, from the cross: “Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit.”