Father Peter's Forum

The Heart of the Matter – The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality
by Focus on the Family
Review written by Val J. Peter

INTRODUCTION

Many of the girls who have come to us have been introduced to same sex relations when very young and have been told they are lesbian or they “go both ways.” Most of our kids come from families that did not pass on strong Christian values for some reason or another. They have been influenced by television, movies, music and other forms of media which try to convince them that freedom from restraints is the only true freedom and lesbianism is simply another alternative lifestyle you should experiment with. One would think that all this discussion/argument eventually would bring clarity and truth to the matter, but it hasn’t. The media proponents of female homosexuality want liberation of women from sexual restraints. They have little interest in the truth and they are good at selling their ideas.

Focus on the Family trusts that this material on female homosexuality will strip away the false myths and mixed messages and foster a new understanding and passion for women struggling with same sex attraction. Care and compassion are needed, along with a strong dose of truth. We need to be concerned for their pain and their struggle and try to share with them and all others the transforming power of God’s love and forgiveness without compromising the truth. So let us begin.

1. Female homosexuality is different from male homosexuality:

 Female homosexuality is much more complex and different from male homosexuality which Dr. Lawrence Hatterer defines as: “one who is motivated, in adult life, by a definite preferential erotic attraction to members of the same sex and are usually, but not necessarily, engages in overt sexual relations with them.”

 Female homosexuality is much more complex because it involves much more important emotional and relational longings characteristic of women. Three categories are often pointed out. First, are those women who strive to fulfill sexual desires and emotional needs through other women. The second group has not acted out sexually, but has sought completion through an emotional relationship with another woman. The third are those who are too frightened to act upon their desires so they resort to fantasy. All three types have a primary yearning to find completion of themselves – a sense of wholeness – within a real or imaginary relationship with other women.

 Then there is an increasing number of young women who are sexually experimenting with other young women. They consider this “cool.” They have a heterosexual identity and their same gender involvement is only temporary.

2. Root causes of lesbianism:

 The first component is the relationship between mother and daughter. A daughter’s need for security, love and affirmation from mother are legitimate needs. They should have been fulfilled through the nurturing and bonding between herself and her mother. For various real or perceived reasons, the daughter sees her mother as uncaring, uninvolved and unconcerned about her daughter’s needs. In a daughter there is created a same sex love deficit…same sex longing in the daughter. At puberty, the deficit can become sexualized. Seeking out lesbian relationships can be seen as a way to restore what was missing between mother and daughter.
 The second component is the relationship between father and daughter. A father’s relationship with his daughter should provide (remember this is the first significant male in a little girl’s life) both an affirmation of his daughter’s femininity (you are my princess) and a sense of security (nobody is going to mess with you, princess). What if this is lacking?
 A third component is a dysfunctional family. If a father is abusive to his wife, the little girl may not learn to trust men and even find ways to live without them. If a mother is critical or disrespectful of her husband, a daughter may develop a negative attitude towards men, especially as fathers or husbands.
 An identity struggle is the fourth component. What if there is rejection, abandonment and separation from mom and negative or abusive treatment by dad? A young girl may find herself unacceptable, unsafe and ugly and even despise being female.
 Traumatic events are the fifth component. Sexual abuse, incest, molestation and rape! A conservative estimate is that about 80% of all lesbians have been sexually violated in some way. For some, compulsive and obsessive behaviors can develop such as overeating, alcoholism and drug addiction. A sexually abused little girl (in the majority of cases by men) may fear involvement or hate all men.

3. The special importance for girls of relating and connecting:

 Sometimes it happens when mother is perceived as distant, bitter, critical, overbearing and unloving that her little daughter may begin to detach from mom in a defensive fashion because the little girl doesn’t want the pain or rejection or emptiness. The little girl can then refuse to relate any longer to mom even if mom’s love is offered.

 It should be clear that relating and connecting are much more important to a female’s sense of identity, much, much more important.

4. Lesbian and abuse:

 Anne Paulk conducted a study (2001) of women overcoming homosexuality. Of the 265 women responding, the results are eye opening about preconditioning factors:

- 69.1% experienced emotional abuse.
- 66.4% were victims of sexual abuse.
- 55.7% received emotional trauma including sexual innuendoes and specific
sexual remarks that made her feel violated.
- 53.2% were verbally abused.
- 39.6% felt abandoned.
- 32.5% were victims of physical abuse.
- 20.0% felt utterly neglected.

 Of those who were sexually abused, almost 80% were molested by males and 42% of these cases were incestuous. Twenty percent were molested by females.

5. Here are examples of words that can affirm a girl’s gender identity in a positive way:

 Mom: I am so glad I have you as a daughter. (The opposite: you don’t even look like a girl)
 Dad: I love you princess. You are my precious little girl and always will be. (The opposite: girls are worthless)
 Peers: Come on; let’s go play at Sue’s house. It’s not the same without you. (The opposite: you should have been a boy)

6. Misplaced emotional need for attachment and security:

 Emotional dependency happens when a woman deposits her identity and well being in another woman. The lesbian believes she is validated, accepted and secure only if she shares a connection with another woman and this sort of connection is not healthy. When that relationship is threatened, she is thrown into a crisis because her true self-identity has not been formed. So there is a lot of insecurity in lesbians. “Insecurity about who I am and not knowing how to get where I want to be. Those are bottom-line motivations for staying in lesbian relationships.” So the lesbian struggle isn’t so much centered on a sexual drive as it is on the emotional need for attachment and security.

 Some make a two-fold comparison of a lesbian’s life with that of a baby:

- First, the emotional need for attachment and security parallels that of a baby.
- Secondly, when a woman is separated in her primary relationship, the
emotional blow is so devastating that she is filled with hopelessness. (If a mother/infant relationship is severed, a baby may actually die.)
- Another similarity is adult female homosexuals want to nestle in another
woman’s arms with the need to be comforted, to be loved and to be accepted.
- Oftentimes a young girl suffers greatly from an alcoholic or drug family. Her
father does not even attend to her emotional needs and her mother is a victim or co-dependent.
- Or oftentimes a girl is sexually abused when she is 11, 12 or 13 or she saw a
man take advantage of her mother or even her father had stacks of pornographic magazines.
- And when a young girl then wants to experiment with guys sexually to find
out if she really is gay she runs into a male culture that rips off girls. They only want sex.

 The key to healing:

 The key to healing is to develop healthy same sex relationships, real friendships and to find adult and other males and females who really were interested in you, not for exploitation but because you are who you are.

 We live in a culture that proclaims that same sex relationships are “normal”. And when a young girl comes out of a dysfunctional family, she can easily start to believe that that is true.

 Many of our girls find great relief in the thought that they do not have to be gay and that lesbianism at its core is not primarily about sex but about meeting legitimate God given needs in illegitimate ways.

 We have to, as Family-Teachers and youth care workers, be very, very vigilant that we help our children.

More reading on this topic. Please call Focus on the Family to purchase these.

 Order the Love Won Out series from Focus on the Family at www.lovewonout.com or (800) A-FAMILY.
 Buy all three of the booklets, the first is The Truth Comes Out – The Roots and Causes of Male Homosexuality.
 The second is The Heart of the Matter – The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality.
 The third is Responding to Pro-Gay Theology: What Does the Bible Really Say.
 Also read Respect and the Facts – How to have both in the sexual orientation debate by Throckmorton, Gutierrez, Smith and Thompson to be found at Carolina Maud Publishing, Grove City, Pennsylvania.
 For further information go to The Medical Institute in Austin, Texas at www.medinstitute.org