Father Peter's Forum

How to Protect Your Physical Space and Respect Feelings
A Review
Val J. Peter

Introduction

1. Everyone has boundaries.

• What is a boundary?
• It is the personal space you keep between yourself and others.
• Your physical boundary is about as far out as your hands can go if they are held together. It goes completely around your body.
• You have to decide who you let inside that boundary.
• As a little baby, you left your mom inside to hug you and hold you.
• As you get older, you still give a hug or a kiss to your mom or dad.
• You let your brothers and sisters hug you now and then, but you don’t let others hug you very often.
• You introduce yourself by putting your hand out and not letting them inside your boundaries.
• Sexual boundaries are the same because physical boundaries protect the private areas of your body.
• What are the private areas of your body?
• The parts that are covered with a swimming suit.
• Then there are emotional and spiritual boundaries which protect your private thoughts and emotions.
• You decide what feelings you will share with others.
• You decide that you will share secret thoughts or some of your deepest feelings only with friends.
• Those are healthy boundaries.

2. Theresa’s Story.

Theresa met Sam in high school and he seemed nice. They started eating lunch and studying together.

• Then Sam starting passing notes to Theresa.
• Some of the notes bothered her. They were too personal.
• They were violating her boundaries.
• Sam wanted to know what she wore to bed.
• A nightgown or pajamas?
• Sam wanted to know what her bra size was.
• Sam wanted to know what kind of underwear she wore and what kinds of things turned her on.
• Theresa was in a bind.
• She didn’t want to hurt him, but she hated those questions because they violated her boundaries.
• She tried to tell him in a nice way to stop, but he didn’t get the hint.
• When she finally got the courage to tell him to stop, he said: “You know you like it, Theresa. I will give you whatever you want. You need me. Trust me. It will be fun.”
• Theresa was shocked. He was violating her sexual boundaries.
• He had grown up in a dysfunctional family where language was a way a man controlled a woman. Embarrassing a woman gave him a sense of power. His dad did it to his mom all the time.
• Theresa and Sam broke up that day. Theresa is happy she did. She feels proud she stood up for herself.
• She gained respect from her classmates.

If you recognize that Sam was saying things that embarrassed Theresa, good for you. It means you have an accurate picture of what personal boundaries are.

• If you knew that Theresa should have said something earlier, you understand how important it is to let people know what your boundaries are.
• It is not impolite or unreasonable to say “stop” whenever someone makes you feel uncomfortable or tries to make you do something that is wrong.
• When aggressive people like Sam don’t have clear boundaries, they end up hurting others.
• When someone crosses a boundary line you have set, you should be uneasy. Think of your own experiences. Has a stranger ever stood so close to you that you were nervous?
• Has someone ever touched you in a way that was overly friendly?
• Did someone you don’t know well sneak up and pinch you, grab you or start rubbing your shoulder? These are all boundary issues. These people are “too close for comfort.”

3. This is called the story of Bo. Bo is sixteen years old. He met Mariah, a friend of his sister, at a soccer game. Bo asked her out on a date. She accepted. They talked, shared and had a good time.

The talking was more satisfying that he could ever imagine. She listened to what he had to say and he did the same with her. They shared a few of their hopes and dreams with each other in an encouraging and attentive way. It was a new experience for both and he enjoyed it greatly. It wasn’t a lot, but it was a good start.

Bo and Mariah dated for a couple of months. Some of his close friends didn’t understand about being friends with a girl and not trying to have sex, especially after a couple of months. Bo felt lucky to have a friend like Mariah and he ended up telling the guys who pressured him about the sex issue that it was none of their business.

Bo and Mariah felt good in their relationship. It helped build a respect for the opposite sex. They began to see that the purpose of a boy/girl relationship at their age was friendship that is healthy and respectful of boundaries.

4. Eight guidelines for healthy boundaries.

1) How much you allow people within your physical and emotional boundaries usually depends on how long you’ve known them and how much you like and trust them.

What information you share with them depends on what your relationship is:

• co-workers – not much information except social.
• schoolmates – a bit of private information and lots of social information.
• friends – lots of information, both private and social, but not everything.

2) The amount of self-disclosure should be based on how well you know others and how much you can trust them in appropriate ways.

3) You need to have reciprocal trust that is appropriate. If your “friend” is not worthy of trust, he or she should not be in your inner circle.

4) If you expect others to respect your boundaries, you must respect theirs. If you are not worthy of trust, you should not be in their inner circles.

5) When someone tries to violate your boundaries, use that experience to decide how you can handle similar situations in the future.

6) Trust your feelings of comfort and discomfort when you are around others. If someone makes you uncomfortable, your boundary “radar” should go on alert.

7) Never hesitate to ask a trusted adult questions about your boundaries and whether they are appropriate.

Remember that if you have been abused, your boundary “radar” can get mixed up. You may be used to ignoring feelings of discomfort, which in turn can prevent you from realizing immediately when someone violates your boundaries. It is important to talk with someone you can trust when you begin to wonder if something is right or wrong. Over time this can also help you get your own “radar” back on track.

8) Speak up when someone or something bothers you. Let people know what you won’t tolerate. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to anyone who may be trying to hurt or take advantage of you.

5. Unhealthy boundaries.

A. Rigid boundaries are unhealthy.

Boundaries can be too rigid. Yes, having boundaries that are too rigid can be unhealthy. Here are some characteristics of unhealthy boundaries.

• Not allowing anyone to get close.
• Never talking about personal feelings, wants, or needs.
• Never sharing your emotions with your parents or brothers or sisters.
• Having difficulty choosing and keeping friends.
• Avoiding relationships outside your family by isolating yourself from classmates and acquaintances.

B. Loose boundaries are unhealthy.

Boundaries can also be too loose or weak. These types of boundary situations usually lead to hurt and a lowered self-worth:

• Displaying inappropriate affection.
• Always doing what others say; never disagreeing or saying “no”.
• Saying or doing sexually suggestive things in front of others.
• Sharing too much personal information about yourself too soon.
• Having many sexual experiences.
• Being tricked into being abused and not seeking help.
• Doing anything to avoid conflict.
• Taking responsibility for others’ feelings.


C. Boundary violations are unhealthy.

How can people violate your boundaries? These behaviors are examples of boundary violations:

• Taking your possessions without your permission.
• Teasing that hurts you.
• Asking personal questions that are inappropriate.
• Gossiping about you behind your back.
• Always hanging around you, invading your “private space.”
• Saying or doing things that are offensive or vulgar.
• Always trying to sit or stand too close to you.
• Forcing you to do something sexual.
• Physically or sexually abusing you.
• Using inappropriate language or touch.

6. What is Grooming?

When a person, whether male or female, plays with someone’s feelings in order to gain control of the other person, that process is called “grooming.” The groomer wants to prepare that person for some type of bad behavior.

If you don’t have the experience or knowledge to recognize the tactics of an emotional groomer, you can be talked into doing something wrong without knowing it. You need to remember that the groomer is very skilled at manipulation and persuasion. Even when you begin to feel that something is wrong, the groomer can skillfully find ways to get what he or she wants.

Think of the story about the spider and the fly: The spider was sneaky and tried to convince the fly to come into his web. He lured the fly by promising all kinds of good things. Then, when the fly believed the promises and went into the web, it was too late. The fly was trapped, and the spider was in control.

Groomers want to control their victims as the spider did. They will use your emotions and common sense against you. And remember that the spider was charming, friendly, and fun to be with – until it was too late. Groomers behave the same way.



A. Grooming Tactics.

Some groomers use the following tactics to manipulate you into doing something that is harmful.

• Jealousy and Possessiveness.
• Insecurity.
• Anger.
• Intimidation.
• Accusations.
• Flattery.
• Status.
• Bribery.
• Control.

1. Jealousy and Possessiveness.

Groomers feel they completely own your feelings and behaviors and are resentful and extremely jealous of anyone who gets attention from their “possessions.” Because they don’t want to share your attention, groomers want to remove other people and relationships from your life. This may mean they don’t even want you to talk with other people.

“I’m telling you now and one time only, I want his stuff out of your locker. I don’t care if you say he is just a good friend. What kind of fool do I look like? If you’re my girl, his stuff has to go. If you want him, it can stay. Your choice!”

2. Insecurity.

Groomers can act insecure and ask for constant reassurance of your loyalty to them. You are expected to take care of their insecurity. This works well with “people pleasers.”
“I guess it’s no big deal. I just think I’m not good enough for you. I’m not worth it. So let me know if you want to stop our relationship.”

Or, the groomer may play on your insecurities or try to create new insecurities.

“No one else will ever want you. I’m the only one who is ever going to want you. You’d be stupid to pass up someone like me.”

3. Anger.

Anger is a way for the groomer to control you or get what he or she wants. The groomer frequently is angry about something and may argue violently with you.

Emotional groomers who use anger can be very dangerous. Over time, their outbursts may happen more frequently or become more violent. They sometimes connect sex with the power their anger has given them.

“So he called you? What was his name? I know you at least know that. I’ve told you not to mess with me! People get hurt when they mess with me. If I find out you are, be ready, because I’m going to…”

4. Intimidation.

Intimidation is another powerful way groomers control others. Groomers are skilled at intimidating others with just a look or a word; glaring or staring can be used to scare or intimidate. They might threaten to hurt you or someone you like. These scare tactics usually work, and you become afraid to say “no.” Girls may aim their hostility at other girls who threaten their relationships.

“I could slash her tires so easy. She’d better know who she’s dealing with if she goes after you.”

”I’m not mad at you, as long as you’re not lying to me. If I find out you are lying, you and me are finished. So if you’re not telling me something, you better spill it now. I don’t want to have to find out later from someone else.”


Physical actions can also be intimidating – standing over someone while he or she is seated, standing too close, touching, grabbing, and using a loud voice or language. Guys can take intimidating stances when girls walk by – holding their crotches, making obscene signals with their hands, wagging their tongues, or making other gestures that could indicate that they are “nobody to mess with.”

5. Accusations.

Emotional groomers may accuse you of doing all sorts of things you didn’t do. They could say that you were flirting with someone else or that you are talking behind their backs. Accusations also can indicate that the groomer is insecure and needs to be assured that he or she is “the only one.”

“You just happened to walk into class with her. I saw you walking the halls with her. How dumb do you think I am?”

“Just tell me or not if you did anything with him. If you want him, just go out with him. I’ll get over it. It’s not like you would really care anyway. Don’t do this to me; even when I hear this stuff, it hurts my feelings. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re playing on me. I should have known better.”

6. Flattery.

Most emotional groomers are “smooth talkers.” They know what to say to impress others and appear completely trustworthy. They use language cons that lead the victim into thinking he or she is the most important person in the world. Groomers do not give sincere or honest compliments. They use exaggerated and insincere comments to get what they want.

We all like to hear nice things about us, but it’s important to know the difference between praise and flattery. Praise means showing approval or admiration for people. It is specific and truthful. Flattery is phony and overdone and usually is used to get something from someone.

“If I told you you had a really gorgeous body, would you hold it against me?”

“You look really hot today, baby!”

“There’s a lot of things I love about you. You’re the smartest, sweetest, most handsome guy in…”

7. Status.

Sometimes others “look up” to groomers. They could be good athletes, have a lot of money or designer clothes, have access to alcohol or drugs, or have a tough or glamorous reputation. They use their popularity and status to lure you to and keep you in a sexual relationship. Having sex also can be a way to gain status. In some gangs, part of the initiation involves a sexual conquest.

“I do like you a lot even though we’re not going out. If I didn’t would I waste five minutes of a phone call on you? Would I call you when there’s a lot more girls that I could be calling? I’m not too good for you at all because there’s no such thing. Please believe me, I do care and like you and I wouldn’t be wasting my time if I didn’t.”

8. Bribery.

Giving gifts can be a normal sign of friendship or love, but groomers give gifts to charm you into pleasing them. Victims may feel that they need to “pay back” the groomers. Sometimes the promise of always being together or marriage is used to convince victims to stay with groomers. Bribery can be very blatant. Many young males feel that spending money on girls means that they should expect sex in return.

”If I could do it I’d buy you everything you wanted. Remember that sweater in the mall. That would look so good on you baby. Someday I’ll buy it or steal it if I have to.”

9. Control.

Groomers want to control how you think and feel. They hold power over you any way they can. They will use some or all of the tactics we’ve listed, but their aim is to gain and keep control of you. In fact, most groomers will use a combination of these tactics to get what they want. If one tactic doesn’t work, they will try another until one works. No matter how long it takes, the groomer finds a way to make you feel completely helpless and powerless to do anything about it.

Afterward

The book that is being reviewed here is entitled Boundaries: A Guide for Teens, by Val J. Peter and Tom Dowd. The purpose of the review is to help you understand how important this book is, so that you will purchase it for the teens whom you are working for.

You can purchase it at Boys Town Press (www.boystownpress.org). You will find it very, very useful.