Tuesday, October 21, 2008
A Teen’s Guide to Emotional Grooming and Dating Violence
A Review
Father Val J. Peter
Introduction
Has anyone ever tried to talk someone you know (or perhaps yourself) into a sexual relationship by using flattery or jealousy or bribes or threats?
If so, then you or a friend has been the target of an emotional groomer, a sexual con artist, a player.
How do you protect yourself from being intimidated or being conned into sexual activity or other activity you do not want to be involved in? What role do alcohol and drugs play in dating violence? How do you know that someone is trustworthy? What are good boundaries to set friendships and dating relationships? How safe are chats in cyberspace?
This is an introduction to help a person understand when “sweet talk” is nothing more than a language con, a lie. Don’t be a victim. Don’t let your friend be a victim either. Learn to be safe, strong and successful in all your relationships.
1. What is emotional grooming? It is a process where someone manipulates another’s emotions to skillfully gain control of that person.
• Emotional grooming is used to seduce, coerce or con others into sexual activity.
• Grooming is a preparation, a process, which tries to trick you or coach you or embarrass or convince you into some form of sexual activity.
• A groomer is a person who tries to do that, namely, to gain control.
2. How does a groomer learn grooming tactics?
• Oftentimes, groomers mimic what they have seen, heard or learned from movies, from music or from others.
• Sometimes they are clever and sometimes they aren’t clever.
• Sometimes they are experts and sometimes they are amateurs.
• Groomers don’t know how to create a healthy relationship. They have a warped self-centered view of simply getting you to do what they want. Groomers have not seen role models of mutual respect.
• They don’t know much selfless behavior.
• They don’t know how to create a healthy relationship.
• They use people.
• They hurt people.
3. Who is an easy target? Who is especially vulnerable to a groomer’s tactics? Are you an easy target?
• If you have not developed healthy personal boundaries, then you are an easy target.
• Perhaps you have been physically beaten.
• Perhaps you have been emotionally beaten.
• Perhaps you have been sexually abused.
• Those all make you vulnerable, an easy target.
• The groomer wants sex…pure and simple. He wants you to believe it is acceptable. He expects you to give him what he wants.
• You can learn how not to be an easy target.
Most kids who end up in manipulative relationships were conditioned or tricked at an early age to please others no matter what.
• Some kids are so starved for attention to hear sweet words, they will give in easily just to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• When you are talked into doing things that are bad just to please the groomer, you get hurt.
• Sometimes you get hurt because you are not physically strong enough to stop it.
• Sometimes you don’t know the emotional ways to stop it or the physical ways to stop it.
A groomer wants you to believe that sex and love are the same.
• A groomer wants you to believe that if he says “I love you,” that includes sex.
• The power of this information we are presenting is not given to make you feel fearful of being abused or manipulated.
• You have to realize there are many good and trustworthy people in the world.
• There are also some bums.
• You need to be able to tell the difference.
• Just as you learned as a very young child not to play in the street or play with matches, so too, you now have to learn as you mature, not to allow groomers to manipulate you or hurt you.
• Emotional groomers are perpetrators. That means they are responsible for carrying out a crime.
• That is exactly what sexually taking advantage of another is…It is a crime, even when you are a willing victim.
• An emotional groomer is the worst kind of thief.
• He steals your happiness, your innocence and your safety.
• He leaves you confused, humiliated and ashamed.
The important thing to remember is that the more you know about how to recognize sexual con games, the easier it will be to unmask the groomer.
4. Why do groomers groom?
• The answer is that they have been taught to groom and think it is cleaver.
• They’ve seen it glamorized in the entertainment media.
• They have learned this unhealthy pattern of behavior.
• Groomers hurt someone like you.
• You can help stop it when someone tries it on you.
5. What are the two emotional steps in the grooming process?
A. The first step is for the groomer to convince you that he is the only person in the world who can be really trusted. He will say things to you like:
• You’re all I think about.
• You’re my everything.
• You are the only one who understands me.
• No one can love you the way I do.
• I will always be there for you.
• I will always protect you.
• Everything is alright.
• Don’t worry. I will take care of you.
• This is the way it is meant to be. This is what real love is all about.
• You need to trust me. I know better.
(The excerpts we will use here are from actual letters written by one teen to another. They will show you how a groomer goes about developing a relationship with his target. Here are four different examples):
• “I just want to talk to you in private with no one else around so I can tell you how I really feel. I won’t do anything else, I promise. You will know that I can be trusted when you get to now me better. I would never hurt you or anything like that.”
• “No matter what happens to us, I just want you to know if you need anybody to love or just talk to when you are down, I will always be available.”
• “I’ll treat you right and I’m not going to do anything behind your back. You are what I live for. So without you, my soul is sad and my heart is empty. It might sound like I’m trying to get over on you, but I’m not. I mean everything I say. It comes from the heart. I cry almost every night hoping I could be with you. You’re the best girl I ever had.”
• “We can’t let anyone break us apart. If we get into an argument or disagreement, we will work it out. People here can’t be trusted. Only trust me.”
B. The second step in emotional grooming is developing some kind of secrecy. Sometimes the command to keep things secret is very strong:
• “No one, absolutely no one, can know what we do.”
• “I will have to move away.”
• “We will both get in trouble and not be able to see each other again.”
It is important to be suspicious of anyone who asks you to keep a secret or hide something from your mom or your dad or loved ones, especially if that secret involves your relationship.
Sometimes the call for secrecy is made in the form of a threat.
• “If anyone finds out, you will regret it for the rest of your life.”
• “You tell anyone and you are dead meat.”
• “You don’t want you little sister to accidently get hurt, do you?”
Or it is a romantic rationale:
• “No one could possibly understand how deeply we love each other.”
• “We couldn’t explain it. Why spoil everything by telling them how we feel.”
C. Sometimes a groomer carries out threats by being killing your cat or your dog or some other living creature. This will scare the life out of you.
The groomer wants you to feel that you are powerless to do anything about the situation and that if you say something, you will make matters worse. You dive deeply into the secrecy.
• “We can still be secret lovers and no one will have to know about it. It will be just our little secret. You know how much I care about you and hope you feel the same way.”
• “The main thing is that you just tell me about things and don’t tell n one about us. I promise you that we will have some good times. Don’t let the teachers see you writing letters. Write in private! Don’t worry about getting scared off by all the rules. But don’t say anything to anyone, it’s our secret.”
• “I won’t do you wrong. Just trust me and not one else. Don’t be goin’ to no one else cause they’ll only do you wrong. This is just between you and me my love.”
• “The feelings we have for each other are true. And will stay that way. If we start going out, we can’t let others get in our way. Just remember I really do care about you in many different ways and I’ve fallen in love with you. You’re all I want. We have to be honest with each other. And we can’t tell anyone about us. You know how fast stuff spreads around here. Let’s just keep it to ourselves and no one will ever need to know.”
D. Drugs and alcohol make it very easy for a groomer to take advantage of you.
• “My very best friend had a guy take advantage of her when she was drunk and she got pregnant. She doesn’t know who the father is to this day. She loves her son, but how is she going to explain what happened when he gets older?”
• “A few of my friends have ended up sleeping with someone after drinking that they wouldn’t have otherwise slept with. Drugs and alcohol make the choice easier because you don’t think of the consequences.”
• “Alcohol has played probably the biggest role in my decisions about sex. Of the six people I have slept with, I was drunk with four of them.”
• “A friend of mine got really drunk at a party, slept with a guy she just met, and got AIDS. That one night of being intoxicated is going to cost her all her life.”
6. The nine grooming tactics.
A. Jealousy and possessiveness.
• “I’m telling you now and one time only, I want his stuff out of your locker. What kind of fool do I look like? I’m going out with you, but your ex-boyfriend is still in your locker. No! That is not going to happen. I want his stuff out. Today! If you’re my girl his stuff has to go.”
B. Insecurity.
• “I guess it’s no big deal. I just don’t think I’m really your type or good enough for you. I’m screwing too many things up. I’m not worth it. So let me know if you want to stop our relationship. I’ll try to understand. I probably deserve it anyway. The way I treat you, I’m not doing it the way I’m supposed to. I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry for treating you the way I did.”
• “I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”
• “No one else will ever want you. I’m the only one who is ever going to want you. You’d be stupid to pass up a guy like me. I’m the man. Once I’m through with you, you’ll never want anybody else.”
C. Intimidation.
• I’m not mad at you, as long as you are not lying to me. If I find out you are lying, you and me are finished. So, if you’re not telling me something, you better spill it now. I don’t want to have to find out later from someone else. I can find out!”
• “I’m sure I confused the s--- out of you. One minute I’m mean to you, the next minute I’m whispering I love you while threatening to hurt you bad.”
• Graphic sexual description of what the groomer wants to do to you. “I can force you to do it.”
D. Anger.
• “So he called you? What was his name? I know you at least know that. I’ve told you not to mess with me! People get hurt when they mess with me. Unless I find out you’re lying to me. If I find out you are, be ready, because I’m going off. That’s why I said if you left something out, tell me now.”
• “Today I seen Antwan when I was outside with everyone. He came up there and snatched me up then beat my a--. I fought back. I don’t care who he is. Then after a while, my stomach started hurting and I threw up. Later I was laying on his lap and he said he was sorry and we ended up doin’ the nasty.”
E. Accusations.
• “Just tell me or not if you did anything with Booker. If you want him, just go out with him. I’ll get over it. It’s not like you would really care anyway. He even came up to me and said some things about you and him, and what you did. Don’t do this to me, even when I hear this stuff, it hurts my feelings. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are playing on me.”
F. Flattery.
• “I wanted to say ‘I like you’ when I first saw you. You made me feel special. Lucky is the guy who gets to be with a diamond like you, your eyes are so beautiful, your body, your hair, everything. You are like candy, once a guy gets a taste of you, he will go crazy.”
• “I know a lot of guys like me, but I don’t like them. You seem like a nice person to me. I hope that one day you and I will be closer together. You look good and you know it.”
G. Status.
• “I do like you a lot even though we’re not going out. If I didn’t, would I waste 5 minutes of a phone call on you? Would I call you when there’s a lot more girls that I could be calling or would I even talk to you? I’m not too good for you at all because there’s no such thing. Please believe me that I do care and like you and I wouldn’t be wasting my time if I didn’t.”
• “I understand that you want a fine babe like me, so don’t get all choked up. You treat me right and you’ll see what that brings you.”
H. Bribery.
• “If I could do it I’d buy you everything you wanted. Remember that sweater at the mall. That would look so good on you baby. Someday I’ll buy it or steal it if I have to. You mean the world to me and I want to show you how much. You just keep being good to me, you’ll see.”
• A 16-year-old girl told her teacher: “When I was 13, my boyfriend, who was 19, took me to the fair. He won one of those big stuffed teddy bears. When we got home, he told me he’d give me the bear if I had sex with him? How come when he was on top of me, I started crying?
I. Control.
• “If you get in trouble, doing anything wrong and I hear about it, you will deal with me. I don’t want to do anything with any other girl except you. I’m the only one who is right for you. So don’t play on me, OK? You wouldn’t want to see me mad. Just do what I say. If you’re smart, you’ll listen good.”
• “I really do love you baby and I don’t want you to feel like your being pressured into this relationship. But you gotta know that I’m the man. I want you to be positive about this relationship. I don’t want you to have the impression that if you see me talking to another girl that I’m playing you. I want to be true and I want you to think I’m being true to this relationship. Yo baby, I want this relationship to work out. I won’t do you wrong. Just trust me.”
J. The following letter expresses how a young girl felt after being groomed:
“Ok, I’m going to put this as clear as I can! What I did that night was something special. I don’t do that with just any guy. I felt that everything was ok. But then when I got back and the first thing I hear about is Heather and you did what, I felt nasty! I heard what you said I did and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a pile of s---. I guess I felt used in a way. My two weeks have been hell! I couldn’t hold anything down, I got depressed all the time, I was scared to go to school, and I feel like I lost a great friend because of all of this! Sometimes I wish none of this every happened to me. I have been hurt by too many guys. I don’t feel right around you! I feel like I was used for a free night and then forgot about. Left in the dust for the next person to come along. I feel sick! I can’t even face you as myself anymore because I feel so bad!”
7. A questionnaire to see if a relationship is unhealthy:
A. Does this person try to tell me what to do, how to dress, whom to hang out with? Yes -- No (circle)
B. Do I spend most of my time worrying about this relationship? Yes -- No (circle)
C. Does it seem that this person purposefully tries to make me feel jealous or insecure? Yes -- No (circle)
D. Doe sit seem that I do all the giving and my friend does all the taking? Yes -- No (circle)
E. Does my friend put unrealistic demands on me? What demands? Yes -- No (circle)
F. Does my friend ignore me or attempt to control me when others are around? What usually happens? Yes -- No (circle)
G. Does it seem like this friend is always trying to change me? How? Yes -- No (circle)
H. Does my friend purposefully do things to hurt me emotionally or physically? What? Yes -- No (circle)
I. Do other people tell me that my friend talks behind my back? About what? Yes -- No (circle)
J. Do I get into trouble when I do what my friend says? How? Yes -- No (circle)
K. Do I feel ashamed, guilty, or afraid after talking or being with this person? Yes -- No (circle)
L. Have I quit doing things that I used to enjoy since I’ve become involved with this person? What? Why? Yes -- No (circle)
M. Does this person ever threaten or intimidate me? Yes -- No (circle)
N. Has this person ever given me a gift and expected sexual favors in return? Yes -- No (circle)
A “yes” to any of these questions points to an unhealthy characteristic in your friendship. The more “yes” answers you gave, the more unhealthy qualities your friendship has. Take some time to figure out if you can correct what’s going wrong (or if the friendship is worth it). On the other hand, a lot of “no” answers indicate that you and your friend have a good friendship. See what you can do to make it even better.
8. Virtual Relationships.
E-mail, computer chat rooms, and instant messaging have changed the way people meet, relate, and communicate with others. The Internet can bring strangers together all over the world. It brings them together in “virtual reality.” Remember virtual reality is just that – “virtual” – not real.
Think about it. Meeting and talking with someone face to face gives you a chance to practice social skills and help you decide whether you would like to get to know the person better. Face to face relating gives the opportunity to learn how to read another person’s body language.
You never get to do that on the net. You can’t read social cues in virtual reality. All you have is a typed message. You won’t know someone else’s boundaries.
Safe boundaries on the Internet are:
• Don’t chat with, e-mail, or instant message someone you have never met.
• Never share personal information on the Net.
• Avoid all conversations with sexual content.
Epilogue
The above review is of a very, very important book called Unmasking Sexual Con Games 3rd Edition by Kathleen McGee and Laura Buddenberg. It is published by Boys Town Press. It is an excellent book. The purpose of the review is to encourage you to buy the book itself. It is filled with many more examples. It has both a teacher’s guide and a teen guide. The purpose of this review is simply to wet your appetite so that you can go to the real source at www.boystownpress.org.
A Review
Father Val J. Peter
Introduction
Has anyone ever tried to talk someone you know (or perhaps yourself) into a sexual relationship by using flattery or jealousy or bribes or threats?
If so, then you or a friend has been the target of an emotional groomer, a sexual con artist, a player.
How do you protect yourself from being intimidated or being conned into sexual activity or other activity you do not want to be involved in? What role do alcohol and drugs play in dating violence? How do you know that someone is trustworthy? What are good boundaries to set friendships and dating relationships? How safe are chats in cyberspace?
This is an introduction to help a person understand when “sweet talk” is nothing more than a language con, a lie. Don’t be a victim. Don’t let your friend be a victim either. Learn to be safe, strong and successful in all your relationships.
1. What is emotional grooming? It is a process where someone manipulates another’s emotions to skillfully gain control of that person.
• Emotional grooming is used to seduce, coerce or con others into sexual activity.
• Grooming is a preparation, a process, which tries to trick you or coach you or embarrass or convince you into some form of sexual activity.
• A groomer is a person who tries to do that, namely, to gain control.
2. How does a groomer learn grooming tactics?
• Oftentimes, groomers mimic what they have seen, heard or learned from movies, from music or from others.
• Sometimes they are clever and sometimes they aren’t clever.
• Sometimes they are experts and sometimes they are amateurs.
• Groomers don’t know how to create a healthy relationship. They have a warped self-centered view of simply getting you to do what they want. Groomers have not seen role models of mutual respect.
• They don’t know much selfless behavior.
• They don’t know how to create a healthy relationship.
• They use people.
• They hurt people.
3. Who is an easy target? Who is especially vulnerable to a groomer’s tactics? Are you an easy target?
• If you have not developed healthy personal boundaries, then you are an easy target.
• Perhaps you have been physically beaten.
• Perhaps you have been emotionally beaten.
• Perhaps you have been sexually abused.
• Those all make you vulnerable, an easy target.
• The groomer wants sex…pure and simple. He wants you to believe it is acceptable. He expects you to give him what he wants.
• You can learn how not to be an easy target.
Most kids who end up in manipulative relationships were conditioned or tricked at an early age to please others no matter what.
• Some kids are so starved for attention to hear sweet words, they will give in easily just to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• When you are talked into doing things that are bad just to please the groomer, you get hurt.
• Sometimes you get hurt because you are not physically strong enough to stop it.
• Sometimes you don’t know the emotional ways to stop it or the physical ways to stop it.
A groomer wants you to believe that sex and love are the same.
• A groomer wants you to believe that if he says “I love you,” that includes sex.
• The power of this information we are presenting is not given to make you feel fearful of being abused or manipulated.
• You have to realize there are many good and trustworthy people in the world.
• There are also some bums.
• You need to be able to tell the difference.
• Just as you learned as a very young child not to play in the street or play with matches, so too, you now have to learn as you mature, not to allow groomers to manipulate you or hurt you.
• Emotional groomers are perpetrators. That means they are responsible for carrying out a crime.
• That is exactly what sexually taking advantage of another is…It is a crime, even when you are a willing victim.
• An emotional groomer is the worst kind of thief.
• He steals your happiness, your innocence and your safety.
• He leaves you confused, humiliated and ashamed.
The important thing to remember is that the more you know about how to recognize sexual con games, the easier it will be to unmask the groomer.
4. Why do groomers groom?
• The answer is that they have been taught to groom and think it is cleaver.
• They’ve seen it glamorized in the entertainment media.
• They have learned this unhealthy pattern of behavior.
• Groomers hurt someone like you.
• You can help stop it when someone tries it on you.
5. What are the two emotional steps in the grooming process?
A. The first step is for the groomer to convince you that he is the only person in the world who can be really trusted. He will say things to you like:
• You’re all I think about.
• You’re my everything.
• You are the only one who understands me.
• No one can love you the way I do.
• I will always be there for you.
• I will always protect you.
• Everything is alright.
• Don’t worry. I will take care of you.
• This is the way it is meant to be. This is what real love is all about.
• You need to trust me. I know better.
(The excerpts we will use here are from actual letters written by one teen to another. They will show you how a groomer goes about developing a relationship with his target. Here are four different examples):
• “I just want to talk to you in private with no one else around so I can tell you how I really feel. I won’t do anything else, I promise. You will know that I can be trusted when you get to now me better. I would never hurt you or anything like that.”
• “No matter what happens to us, I just want you to know if you need anybody to love or just talk to when you are down, I will always be available.”
• “I’ll treat you right and I’m not going to do anything behind your back. You are what I live for. So without you, my soul is sad and my heart is empty. It might sound like I’m trying to get over on you, but I’m not. I mean everything I say. It comes from the heart. I cry almost every night hoping I could be with you. You’re the best girl I ever had.”
• “We can’t let anyone break us apart. If we get into an argument or disagreement, we will work it out. People here can’t be trusted. Only trust me.”
B. The second step in emotional grooming is developing some kind of secrecy. Sometimes the command to keep things secret is very strong:
• “No one, absolutely no one, can know what we do.”
• “I will have to move away.”
• “We will both get in trouble and not be able to see each other again.”
It is important to be suspicious of anyone who asks you to keep a secret or hide something from your mom or your dad or loved ones, especially if that secret involves your relationship.
Sometimes the call for secrecy is made in the form of a threat.
• “If anyone finds out, you will regret it for the rest of your life.”
• “You tell anyone and you are dead meat.”
• “You don’t want you little sister to accidently get hurt, do you?”
Or it is a romantic rationale:
• “No one could possibly understand how deeply we love each other.”
• “We couldn’t explain it. Why spoil everything by telling them how we feel.”
C. Sometimes a groomer carries out threats by being killing your cat or your dog or some other living creature. This will scare the life out of you.
The groomer wants you to feel that you are powerless to do anything about the situation and that if you say something, you will make matters worse. You dive deeply into the secrecy.
• “We can still be secret lovers and no one will have to know about it. It will be just our little secret. You know how much I care about you and hope you feel the same way.”
• “The main thing is that you just tell me about things and don’t tell n one about us. I promise you that we will have some good times. Don’t let the teachers see you writing letters. Write in private! Don’t worry about getting scared off by all the rules. But don’t say anything to anyone, it’s our secret.”
• “I won’t do you wrong. Just trust me and not one else. Don’t be goin’ to no one else cause they’ll only do you wrong. This is just between you and me my love.”
• “The feelings we have for each other are true. And will stay that way. If we start going out, we can’t let others get in our way. Just remember I really do care about you in many different ways and I’ve fallen in love with you. You’re all I want. We have to be honest with each other. And we can’t tell anyone about us. You know how fast stuff spreads around here. Let’s just keep it to ourselves and no one will ever need to know.”
D. Drugs and alcohol make it very easy for a groomer to take advantage of you.
• “My very best friend had a guy take advantage of her when she was drunk and she got pregnant. She doesn’t know who the father is to this day. She loves her son, but how is she going to explain what happened when he gets older?”
• “A few of my friends have ended up sleeping with someone after drinking that they wouldn’t have otherwise slept with. Drugs and alcohol make the choice easier because you don’t think of the consequences.”
• “Alcohol has played probably the biggest role in my decisions about sex. Of the six people I have slept with, I was drunk with four of them.”
• “A friend of mine got really drunk at a party, slept with a guy she just met, and got AIDS. That one night of being intoxicated is going to cost her all her life.”
6. The nine grooming tactics.
A. Jealousy and possessiveness.
• “I’m telling you now and one time only, I want his stuff out of your locker. What kind of fool do I look like? I’m going out with you, but your ex-boyfriend is still in your locker. No! That is not going to happen. I want his stuff out. Today! If you’re my girl his stuff has to go.”
B. Insecurity.
• “I guess it’s no big deal. I just don’t think I’m really your type or good enough for you. I’m screwing too many things up. I’m not worth it. So let me know if you want to stop our relationship. I’ll try to understand. I probably deserve it anyway. The way I treat you, I’m not doing it the way I’m supposed to. I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry for treating you the way I did.”
• “I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”
• “No one else will ever want you. I’m the only one who is ever going to want you. You’d be stupid to pass up a guy like me. I’m the man. Once I’m through with you, you’ll never want anybody else.”
C. Intimidation.
• I’m not mad at you, as long as you are not lying to me. If I find out you are lying, you and me are finished. So, if you’re not telling me something, you better spill it now. I don’t want to have to find out later from someone else. I can find out!”
• “I’m sure I confused the s--- out of you. One minute I’m mean to you, the next minute I’m whispering I love you while threatening to hurt you bad.”
• Graphic sexual description of what the groomer wants to do to you. “I can force you to do it.”
D. Anger.
• “So he called you? What was his name? I know you at least know that. I’ve told you not to mess with me! People get hurt when they mess with me. Unless I find out you’re lying to me. If I find out you are, be ready, because I’m going off. That’s why I said if you left something out, tell me now.”
• “Today I seen Antwan when I was outside with everyone. He came up there and snatched me up then beat my a--. I fought back. I don’t care who he is. Then after a while, my stomach started hurting and I threw up. Later I was laying on his lap and he said he was sorry and we ended up doin’ the nasty.”
E. Accusations.
• “Just tell me or not if you did anything with Booker. If you want him, just go out with him. I’ll get over it. It’s not like you would really care anyway. He even came up to me and said some things about you and him, and what you did. Don’t do this to me, even when I hear this stuff, it hurts my feelings. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are playing on me.”
F. Flattery.
• “I wanted to say ‘I like you’ when I first saw you. You made me feel special. Lucky is the guy who gets to be with a diamond like you, your eyes are so beautiful, your body, your hair, everything. You are like candy, once a guy gets a taste of you, he will go crazy.”
• “I know a lot of guys like me, but I don’t like them. You seem like a nice person to me. I hope that one day you and I will be closer together. You look good and you know it.”
G. Status.
• “I do like you a lot even though we’re not going out. If I didn’t, would I waste 5 minutes of a phone call on you? Would I call you when there’s a lot more girls that I could be calling or would I even talk to you? I’m not too good for you at all because there’s no such thing. Please believe me that I do care and like you and I wouldn’t be wasting my time if I didn’t.”
• “I understand that you want a fine babe like me, so don’t get all choked up. You treat me right and you’ll see what that brings you.”
H. Bribery.
• “If I could do it I’d buy you everything you wanted. Remember that sweater at the mall. That would look so good on you baby. Someday I’ll buy it or steal it if I have to. You mean the world to me and I want to show you how much. You just keep being good to me, you’ll see.”
• A 16-year-old girl told her teacher: “When I was 13, my boyfriend, who was 19, took me to the fair. He won one of those big stuffed teddy bears. When we got home, he told me he’d give me the bear if I had sex with him? How come when he was on top of me, I started crying?
I. Control.
• “If you get in trouble, doing anything wrong and I hear about it, you will deal with me. I don’t want to do anything with any other girl except you. I’m the only one who is right for you. So don’t play on me, OK? You wouldn’t want to see me mad. Just do what I say. If you’re smart, you’ll listen good.”
• “I really do love you baby and I don’t want you to feel like your being pressured into this relationship. But you gotta know that I’m the man. I want you to be positive about this relationship. I don’t want you to have the impression that if you see me talking to another girl that I’m playing you. I want to be true and I want you to think I’m being true to this relationship. Yo baby, I want this relationship to work out. I won’t do you wrong. Just trust me.”
J. The following letter expresses how a young girl felt after being groomed:
“Ok, I’m going to put this as clear as I can! What I did that night was something special. I don’t do that with just any guy. I felt that everything was ok. But then when I got back and the first thing I hear about is Heather and you did what, I felt nasty! I heard what you said I did and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a pile of s---. I guess I felt used in a way. My two weeks have been hell! I couldn’t hold anything down, I got depressed all the time, I was scared to go to school, and I feel like I lost a great friend because of all of this! Sometimes I wish none of this every happened to me. I have been hurt by too many guys. I don’t feel right around you! I feel like I was used for a free night and then forgot about. Left in the dust for the next person to come along. I feel sick! I can’t even face you as myself anymore because I feel so bad!”
7. A questionnaire to see if a relationship is unhealthy:
A. Does this person try to tell me what to do, how to dress, whom to hang out with? Yes -- No (circle)
B. Do I spend most of my time worrying about this relationship? Yes -- No (circle)
C. Does it seem that this person purposefully tries to make me feel jealous or insecure? Yes -- No (circle)
D. Doe sit seem that I do all the giving and my friend does all the taking? Yes -- No (circle)
E. Does my friend put unrealistic demands on me? What demands? Yes -- No (circle)
F. Does my friend ignore me or attempt to control me when others are around? What usually happens? Yes -- No (circle)
G. Does it seem like this friend is always trying to change me? How? Yes -- No (circle)
H. Does my friend purposefully do things to hurt me emotionally or physically? What? Yes -- No (circle)
I. Do other people tell me that my friend talks behind my back? About what? Yes -- No (circle)
J. Do I get into trouble when I do what my friend says? How? Yes -- No (circle)
K. Do I feel ashamed, guilty, or afraid after talking or being with this person? Yes -- No (circle)
L. Have I quit doing things that I used to enjoy since I’ve become involved with this person? What? Why? Yes -- No (circle)
M. Does this person ever threaten or intimidate me? Yes -- No (circle)
N. Has this person ever given me a gift and expected sexual favors in return? Yes -- No (circle)
A “yes” to any of these questions points to an unhealthy characteristic in your friendship. The more “yes” answers you gave, the more unhealthy qualities your friendship has. Take some time to figure out if you can correct what’s going wrong (or if the friendship is worth it). On the other hand, a lot of “no” answers indicate that you and your friend have a good friendship. See what you can do to make it even better.
8. Virtual Relationships.
E-mail, computer chat rooms, and instant messaging have changed the way people meet, relate, and communicate with others. The Internet can bring strangers together all over the world. It brings them together in “virtual reality.” Remember virtual reality is just that – “virtual” – not real.
Think about it. Meeting and talking with someone face to face gives you a chance to practice social skills and help you decide whether you would like to get to know the person better. Face to face relating gives the opportunity to learn how to read another person’s body language.
You never get to do that on the net. You can’t read social cues in virtual reality. All you have is a typed message. You won’t know someone else’s boundaries.
Safe boundaries on the Internet are:
• Don’t chat with, e-mail, or instant message someone you have never met.
• Never share personal information on the Net.
• Avoid all conversations with sexual content.
Epilogue
The above review is of a very, very important book called Unmasking Sexual Con Games 3rd Edition by Kathleen McGee and Laura Buddenberg. It is published by Boys Town Press. It is an excellent book. The purpose of the review is to encourage you to buy the book itself. It is filled with many more examples. It has both a teacher’s guide and a teen guide. The purpose of this review is simply to wet your appetite so that you can go to the real source at www.boystownpress.org.
posted by Fr. Peter | 2:21 PM
