Father Peter's Forum

AN INTERVIEW WITH GOD

“Come in,” God said to me, “So, you would like to interview Me?”

“If you have the time,” I said.

He smiled through His beard and said: “My time is called Eternity and is enough to do everything. What questions do you have in mind to ask me?”

“None that are new to you. What’s the one thing that surprises you most about mankind?”

He answered: “That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived…”

His hands took mine and we were silent. After a long period, I said, “May I ask you another question?”

He replied with a smile.

“As a Father, what would you ask your children to do for the new year?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that it takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. There will be others better or worse than they are.

To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

To learn that they should control their attitudes, otherwise their attitudes will control them. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.

To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to show their feelings.

To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

To learn that while at times they may be entitled to be upset, that does not give them the right to upset those around them.

To learn that great dreams do not require great wings, but a landing gear to achieve.

To learn that true friends are scarce, he/she who has found one has found a true treasure.

To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they forgive themselves.

To learn that they are masters of what they keep to themselves and slaves of what they say.

To learn that they shall reap what they plant; if they plant gossip they will harvest intrigues, if they plant love they will harvest happiness.

To learn that true happiness is not to achieve their goals but to learn to be satisfied with what they already achieved. To learn that happiness is a decision. They decide to be happy with what they are and have, or die from envy and jealousy of what they lack.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

To learn that those who are honest with themselves without considering the consequences go far in life.

To learn that even though they may think they have nothing to give, when a friend cries with them, they find the strength to appease the pain.

To learn that by trying to hold on to loved ones, they very quickly push them away; and by letting go of those they love, they will be side by side forever.

To learn that even though the word “love” has many different meanings, it loses value when it is overstated.

To learn that they can never do something extraordinary for Me to love them; I simply do.

To learn that the shortest distance they could be from Me is the distance of a prayer.”

AMEN

July 2008

TO:             Family-Teachers, Teachers, Staff

RE:             Weekly Words of Encouragement

Thanks for the feedback on our first pastoral message about what kind of parenting works best.

This second message is a very practical one.  We priests and ministers, in April, asked our high school students to reflect on this question…what if you do not put your heart into changing at Boys Town, but you go through the motions instead?  What happens then?  We call this “fake it to make it.”  Here are some of their responses.  I hope they are helpful to you.

We can all teach our youth that if we want to stop faking it to make it, then we do the following:

• When our Family-Teachers or teachers give us negative feedback, we smile and say OK.
• Then as we walk away we should say to ourselves: “My Family-Teachers (or teacher) are trying to help me.  I need to listen to them.  I think they may be right.”
• If a youth does that enough times, he or she quits faking it to making it.

Let us pray the following prayer:

Dear Lord God, I know that I cannot fake it to make it with you because you read our hearts and not just see what is on the surface.  Help our youth to realize the Lord’s power in their lives to be genuine and faithful.  Amen.

FAKE IT TO MAKE IT # 2

We asked our high school students to reflect on this question…what if you do not put your heart into changing at Boys Town, but you go through the motions instead?  What happens then?  We call this Fake it to make it.  Here are some of their responses.  I hope they are helpful to you.

1. Fake it to make it does not work and that is because your mind changes, but your heart does not.  You get into your head the idea you really do not need to change in order to succeed in life.  And you think you can go a long way with bad behavior and lies.  At some point that blows up in your face and your success will suddenly become a failure and your life will be a downward spiral…Dustin

 
2.      Boys Town does not like to see the young adults who live here for years end up back in jail or on the streets not making ends meet.  There are two types of kids who come to Boys Town.  The ones who don’t want to get better show it right up front.  They fake it to make it.  They walk around thinking they don’t have to listen to people just because they are who they are.  If you don’t believe me then think back to last year.  Our quarterback decided to leave early because Boys Town didn’t suit his desires.  He ended up wasting his natural talent and engaged in armed robberies and is now sitting in jail with his older brother who didn’t care either.  They will be in jail for a very long time.  Then there is the other football player who fathered a child and went around robbing people at gunpoint.  Neither one of them ever tried to get help from Boys Town.  If you have trouble spotting them at Boys Town just look at the ones who are attention seekers boasting about their own status against everyone else…Trevor

3.      I once had this friend named Joey.  He was a druggie.  We tried everything to help him, but he wouldn’t stop using ecstasy and marijuana.  He became addicted and we couldn’t help him overcome the want and need.  His mother tried rehab.  She waited two months.  I remember crying when I saw him that summer.  He looked like himself, smiling and laughing.  He promised me he would not get back into drugs, yet, two weeks later he went back to all the old habits and almost overdosed on sleeping pills.  He faked his whole way through.  Not once did he stop and think of the consequences…Gina

4.      Adults in my life were always trying to get me into trouble before I came here.  Now that I am at Boys Town I understand what the adults here are trying to do for me.  They are trying to hold me accountable for my actions and trying to help me towards success.  It’s hard to accept their feedback, but when they hold me accountable I understand the negative behaviors so that I won’t make the same mistake again.  I see adults looking at you and seeing you different.  You actually have to try to find what you did wrong instead of just saying OK and faking it to make it.  We need to internalize the skills…Trent

5.      When I think about someone here at Boys Town who is faking it to make it, he’s a kid who will end up getting into more trouble when he leaves Boys Town…Josh

6.      If you take the time to understand where the kids from court come from and understand their background (they stand before a judge and fake it) then you will understand why fake it to make it is a number one thing for them when they come here…Laraysha

7.      The fakers act a lot different when a Family-Teacher, teacher, Assistant Family-Teacher or any staff is around.  When they are not around, they do irresponsible behaviors and do things just to make people mad…Haley

8.      In my house nobody fakes it to make it except for one youth who has gotten terminated just a short time ago.  He pretty much brought down the whole house by bringing drugs into the house and trying to be sneaky with it.  He was faking it to make it and everyone was affected by his actions…Gabriel

9.      I think when I first came to Boys Town I was the one who was faking it to make it.  I did many things such as going behind my Family-Teachers’ back doing inappropriate things and acting like I wasn’t doing anything at all.  If you fake it to make it, you have a longer and harder stay at Boys Town.  And you won’t go far because you are only fooling yourself…Seath

10. When there are kids in the house that fake it to make it and go through

the motions, it brings the house down.  Their negativity rubs off on others.  He is just trying to get out of Boys Town as quick as he can.  But he is actually hurting himself more than anyone else.  He’s not learning anything.  His time has been wasted here.  He’s not learning anything.  His time has been wasted here.  He’s not using the resources here.  He should not even be here…Chris

11. In my house one time we had a peer faking it to make it.  All that peer

wanted to do was bring down the house because they were struggling and wanted all the attention on them.  When that peer went noncompliant, it made the house mad because it stopped us from having fun and going on outings.  And, of course, he acted like he had the power to do whatever he wanted at any time.  He thought he had all the attention and power at school so that he didn’t need to buy into the Boys Town system…Marcus

12. If there is a negative in our home, he makes everyone else suffer.  Even if

he goes to INA (Respite) he will still affect all of us because we have to do his chores…Dillon

13. The way we deal with kids who fake it to make it in our house, we give

them a whole bunch of feedback, not only from our Family-Teachers but also from us peers…Denny

14. Almost every house has at least one person who doesn’t want to be here. 

Sometimes these people don’t care and don’t try to do better.  All they care about is when they are going to leave.  Having someone in my house fake it to make it can have a big impact on all of us.  They keep going noncompliant…Jerod

15. Fakers are usually kids who aren’t ready to grow up.  Fakers usually can’t

see anything beyond drugs, money and sex and that’s a big problem…Colton

16. Usually after you realize that you got caught faking to make it, you say:”

What the heck.  I’m already in trouble so I might as well keep going.”…Sean 
                                                                                       

17. Kids who go through the motions don’t want to get better.  They are still

thinking about old friends and old habits.  They think buying into the program isn’t cool and, when they are able to do this, others seeing them getting away with it so they think they should try too.  Sometimes Family-Teachers get trapped because they think they’re really helping a kid who is faking it to make it and then he turns around and does just the opposite.  It really hurts them…Jordan

18. Faking it to make it is just an excuse not to learn…Jose

19. I was affected by those who fake it to make it many times.  To be honest, I

faked it to make it in many ways.  I faked it to make it for a while, but that was not my plan.  I actually planned to get my stuff together, but when I arrived I began to hang out with the wrong bunch of kids.  Their negativity quickly rubbed off on me because I wanted to be cool and fit in.  From that point on the last summer, I began being negative.  I started falling back into my old behaviors and having negative intentions.  I was cursing, lying and doing anything to manipulate my Family-Teachers.  I even started smoking weed on home visits.  My life was a mess.  The next summer I had a wake up call because I was sent home and I got back into gang activities, smoking weed and running the streets.  I quickly violated my parole.  So then I was on the run, living on the streets.  To me, it’s safe to say none of these would have happened if I had not faked the program.  I truly believe if I had listened to what I was being taught, I would have succeeded at home, but I didn’t.  Now I do…Joseph

20. Why do people buy into negative behaviors?  That is one of life’s many

questions.  Being an individual today, there are a lot of trials that we have to go through and one of the trials I am speaking of is buying into other people’s negative behaviors.  This one thing is a very large problem in our country because due to many negative influences kids are confused about what is right and wrong and they often choose wrong not knowing exactly what they are doing…Robert

21. About nine months ago I came to Boys Town not knowing all the rules and

regulations they had in store for me when I first came.  I said: Man this is going to be hard, but if I just go through the motions I’ll be fine.  After a while I realized this is only making me more stressed and the longer I sit here and go through the motions, the longer I will stay at Boys Town and be stressed out.  Boys Town is a really good place to get your life right as far as you’re willing to accept feedback and say OK.  After I found out how easy it is to say OK and do as I was told at Boys Town, life has been a great experience because now I am setting myself up for success…Rodney

22. If you are faking it to make it then you are wrong from the get go.  You

may be able to fake it, but you’re only hurting yourself by going through the motions.  So if you’re going to stick to faking it, why waste your time and others?  These people here are trying to help you.  Why don’t you just leave?...Name withheld

23. Faking it to make it sends a false message.  Others can see what you are

really going through.  I can understand why people want to do wrong because it’s the easy way out and less work.  The actual consequence is that a person will learn more about how to do wrong and develop bad habits which will make things twice as hard…Jake

24. What is your plan when you fake it to make it?  With the model wife, a new

sports car, a big party pad, millions of friends and more money than you can spend!  Wow!  Wake up!  That dream has more holes in it than Swiss cheese.  Just because she’s beautiful doesn’t mean she’s going to be a perfect wife.  Are you serious?  She’s dumb.  A new sports car out of high school.  What’s the point of that?  Living the high life like you will probably wreck it in a month.  And with partying comes drugs and alcohol.  Let’s see how long that life style’s going to keep you alive.  And living that kind of life, you’re going to do anything to keep the money flowing, you’ve got to be kidding.  You’re dumb…Name withheld

25. A lot of people will tell you to go through emotions and get over with it and

that’s not good.  I was once told to do what I need to do just to get to the next level.  I was a real good athlete.  Coming in from my hometown, everybody knew I had a lot of popularity in that area.  I was good in everything, basketball, football, running and drawing.  There was a man who came to see me play football at my old school.  I played a good two quarters before I got injured when playing football.  Somebody tried to convince me to continue to play.  I let him talk me into going back into the game.  I ran the ball and broke for about 20 yards and pulled my thigh muscle and got smashed by the cornerback and safety.  I couldn’t move or go anywhere.  I got helped off the field.  I was doubting if I would ever get back in the game.  I missed a whole season I worked so far because someone convinced me to go through with something.  When I graduated from middle school, I started hanging out with older kids, the wrong people, and I got moved to varsity football, basketball and track.  Then I found myself going through the motions, started doing things to prove myself to people.  I was beginning to get a big head and doing things to look cool.  I started missing school and I didn’t care about anyone.  I had been going through the motions just to get by and acting like I was untouchable.  It was a bad thing.  I regret it.  I regret it deeply.  I am at Boys Town.  I have learned my lesson.  Do what’s right and do what’s good and hang around good role models…Alexander

July 2008

TO:     Campus – Family-Teachers; Community Directors; School Teachers
RE:     Weekly Words of Encouragement

Both your Protestant pastors and Catholic pastors are committed to Weekly Words of Encouragement.  The Dowd Chapel Words of Encouragement will, hopefully, be not only inspirational, but also informational.  In other words, hopefully we can inspire one another and also learn from each other.

This first Weekly Word of Encouragement is entitled: How Does God Parent Us and How Should We Parent.  Happy reading.

How Does God Parent Us and How Should We Parent

                                                                        Val J. Peter

1. What kind of parenting works best?

1.      Over many decades in secular circles various models of parenting were vying with each other making claims to be the one giving better results or the very best one.  The following models of parenting were compared by researchers:

a.      Authoritarian parenting (firm discipline and not much warmth)

b.      Ideological permissive parenting (much warmth, but no firm discipline): belief in the liberal view that discipline is out and counseling and coaching and only positive praise with no negative consequences is in, together with warmth…yes, warmth without firm discipline.

c.      Neglectful permissive parenting (neither discipline nor warmth).
d.      Authoritative parenting (firm discipline with sufficient warmth).  Research has shown it has clearly won.  It is the most effective parenting with the best results.

Yes, the results of the research are in.  The contest is over.

2. Authoritative parenting was originally described in the seminal work of Diana Baumrind (1967, 1971).  It has two equally important components: 


1. Fair consistent discipline and structure and oversight.
2. Warmth and emotional attachment and nurturing.



Others then began to replicate the studies of Baumrind (1969, 1972, 1976, 1990, 1998).  The early research showed it clearly works so well for young people.  Then the question was asked if authoritative parenting also works best among adolescents.  The results are in.  The research says a resounding yes it does.

3. What does research show about authoritarian parenting?  (Firm limits, firm control, without sufficient warmth and nurturing)  Yes, it does bring compliance to kids in school and decent grades.  It keeps kids mainly away from drugs and alcohol.  The price a youth pays is often depression, loneliness and anxiety.  Authoritarian parenting almost overpowers the children and adolescents into obedience.  Critics say often that kids are like robots or one step away from implosion. 



4.      What does research say about ideological permissive parenting?  These are the people who buy into the idea that authority is bad and that negative consequences or punishment should never be used.  You should use counseling.  You should use positive praise, children should not have to take orders and you should never lay down the law to them.  Ads for positive parenting like to compare it to authoritarian parenting because it looks better.  A lot of kids do well in school with positive parenting, but research shows positive parenting kids are more prone to drugs and alcohol use and other problem behaviors.  It also does not work with very difficult kids.     

5.      What does research show about neglectful permissive parenting?  By definition, this neglectful parenting lacks both warmth and firm discipline.  All research shows that it produces the least desirable, most negative effects.  Positive parenting likes to compare itself to this neglectful parenting, because it looks better. 

6.      Authoritative parenting (firm discipline and much warmth) has clearly won out as the best, most effective with very good results.

B.      The Religious Connection:

The Scriptures give lots of indications that the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ is best described as loving us no matter what (warmth) and giving us Ten very serious Commandments (firm discipline).  So the authoritative parenting which secular research shows gives the best results turns out to be an image of God’s dealings with us, His creatures, His sons, His daughters.  In other words, the proponents of authoritative parenting can honestly say it best represents the image of God for moms and dads and their relationship with their children.

It should surprise no one that the churches which create authoritative communities (firm discipline with lots of warmth) get the best results, too.  And they clearly mirror the relationship of God our Heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus with us and give more role modeling to parenting on how to be authoritative in relationship to their children.  God brings children into the lives of moms and dads who are to mirror God’s care, love and discipline.

Wouldn’t it be great if our schools had that same authoritative character?     

3. Research today is now adding a third ingredient to authoritative parenting.  It is an in an ingredient in addition to warmth and firm discipline.  It is called emotional autonomy.  Researchers point out that kids mature faster and better if they are able, especially adolescents, to appropriately express their feelings, their emotions and their views within the context of, on one hand, firm discipline and, on the other hand, warmth and nurturing. 

Emotional autonomy with warmth means it is not simply a command and control relationship.  I, as a youth, can appropriately express my feelings, my emotions, my views and accommodation by my parents can be made wherever possible in accord with warmth and discipline. 

Emotional autonomy is also linked with firm discipline and attacks the “fake it to make” mistake of so many youth: “I say yes to my mom and dad to their face and talk negatively about them behind their backs.”  That is what fake it to make it does.  Emotional autonomy means something else.  It means that an adolescent says: “Sometimes I get very frustrated doing what mom and dad want and I can’t approach them and tell them that.  But sometimes when mom and dad see my point of view, they will make some adjustments and I, as a youth, will be more comfortable and will not have to talk behind their backs negatively.  I can learn self-discipline and the discipline of my mom and dad.”

The religious connection.  If you read the Psalms, you will see that emotional autonomy is central to almost all 150 of them.  The Prophet Isaiah and the Book of Job are good examples of the scriptures filled with emotional autonomy.  Jesus’ prayer in the garden:  “Father, if it be possible, let this chalice pass from me,” is one powerful, huge example of emotional autonomy.  It is tied to His words:  “Not my will but thine be done” and His words, too, from the cross: “Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit.”