Father Peter's Forum

Dear Family-Teachers & All,

This week I am presenting the third installment of the issue of how Christians approach homosexuality and what its root causes are. We do this with compassion and truth. Most of this is taken from Focus on the Family. In fact, you could say all the good stuff comes from Focus on the Family. I hope you like it. Continue to give us feedback. Feedback is a way of life here at Boys Town. Thanks a lot. Happy reading. Many kids have found this extremely helpful and Family-Teachers and teachers, as well.

Father Peter

What is the Truth – The Roots & Causes of Male Homosexuality
by Focus on the Family
Review written by Val J. Peter

INTRODUCTION

The last 50 years in America have been characterized by a series of movements often marching under the banner of human rights. In the late 60s there was the Civil Rights Movement with Martin Luther King as a marvelous giant leader after the cities burned down in race riots. Simultaneously there was the Anti-Vietnam War Movement which almost tore the fabric of this country in shreds and when young people lost trust in the service of the American Republic. This was followed by a feminist movement which also continued from the 70s into the 80s when it was very strong. The environmentalist movement also took root and now finds expression in the green movement. And since the early 70s, we are seeing a well orchestrated movement to create new categories of civil rights defined by sexuality. I have already written about the marketing plan of the gay movement in this regard. Please read it again.

Some mainline Christian denominations even have made efforts to bless homosexual unions and ordain gays and lesbians. The regular selling of homosexuality has made its way into some public schools, even as early as kindergarten. And business and government sectors have been pressured into offering same sex benefits and “diversity” training for their employees.

Yet the blame cannot be entirely placed on the shoulders of the Gay Rights Movement. Christians need to take responsibility for not only failing to uphold and proclaim a vibrant Christian sexual ethic but also for failing to walk beside those struggling with homosexuality. They are our brothers and sisters. We Christians need to care for homosexuals and be concerned for their pain and their struggles without abandoning truth. It has long been Father Flanagan’s tradition and Boys Town’s solid rock foundation that we should share with everyone the transforming power of God’s love and forgiveness without compromising the truth. We want to offer the message that is being silenced today.

As our society becomes more sexualized and secularized, it is very important that we at Boys Town present Father Flanagan’s vision and the traditional Christian vision of God’s positive and life affirming design for sexuality and for marriage between one man and one woman.

We know from our faith that God has placed a longing for Himself within each of us. This desire or longing is particularly strong in those who have suffered rejection, pain and abandonment, especially from their fathers. This “father wound” is often at the root of homosexuality and it has driven homosexuals who are hungry for God to start their own churches, construct their own theologies and join groups that affirm them.

We are concerned for their pain and struggles as we share with everyone the transforming power of God’s grace, love and forgiveness without compromising the truth. We want to offer this traditional Christian message that is being silenced today.

In 25 years working at Boys Town, my experience has been with numerous, numerous boys and girls who, from 8 to 18, have said they were taught (and initiated into) homosexual ways by someone else. Often it was a neighbor or family member, but often it is taught in foster care or other group settings. These young men and women are pretty convinced that, as a result of these experiences, they are homosexuals for life. And so they often put a good face on it and say: that’s the way I am and there’s nothing I can do about it so I might as well live with it.

It is particularly with these young people in mind that the following materials are presented to you who have the task to help our boys and girls to grow up vibrant in their faith. Most of the material comes from Focus on the Family and we encourage each one of you to buy their pamphlets and details are given at the end of this paper.

1. What we know about learned behavior:

 First look at dysfunctional family relations. This is to understand how male homosexuality develops (particularly between father and son). Often father is a controlling figure.

 The lack of a father’s acceptance of his son as a young male is critical. Dad considers his son a wimp or a failure or a slug or just plain worthless. Perhaps he needs glasses and his father says: you’ll never be an airline pilot like I am. Perhaps his father never hugs him, never has physical contact with him. Or perhaps the father just neglects him and says nothing. A boy’s natural curiosity about his maleness is not fulfilled. He’s left wondering what men are like emotionally and physically. Perhaps there is no other important adult male to step into the void.

 Perhaps he fails to make friends with boys in his class. Perhaps he doesn’t learn how to play football or basketball or baseball or how to beat up his brother. Perhaps he is very smart, but socially inept and retreats to social isolation.

 Perhaps he is labeled a nerd or a fag.

 Sometimes a husband is not emotionally available to his wife and she turns to her son for the affirmation she longs for and places on him a burden he was never meant to bear. It is never the job of a child to meet his parents’ needs.

 Sometimes a man comes into a little boy’s life who gives him the attention his father did not give him and he desperately longs for. A man (perhaps a teacher) takes him to the movies or Disneyland or the beach or some other fun spot. And then at perhaps age 9 or 10 or 11 that attention turns sexual. Starved for male affirmation, the boy is too young to call this what it really is, namely, sexual abuse. The man often says: once you do this with a man, you will do this the rest of the life. The boy often believes in this curse.

 In my 25 years of experience with Boys Town, almost every boy who said he was gay has experienced some of what was written above. He was confused about many things and this is simply one of them. And it marginalizes him just like so many other dysfunctionalities in his family marginalize him. We have to help him in this regard not be marginalized.

 So at age 12 or 14 or 16, etc., there are elements in our culture to not just “act out” but to “come out.” If he does, he joins a homosexual culture and, unknowingly, becomes trapped. Excitement of the moment may seem fulfilling at the time, but it ends leaving him feeling betrayed, once again, as he was by his father or abuser or whomever.

2. When feelings are not explained:

 Because their feelings and attractions and the sum of their experience is not being explained to them, they are left with the conviction that they must be homosexual and that’s all there is to it. They believe what they heard from the gay community: God made me that way so it must be OK. We Family-Teachers and Assistants and those who help children need to come to their aid. We need to help them understand their feelings and attractions and the causes underneath the surface. We do them an injustice by only using Behaviorism 101 (learned in the Preservice Workshop) even though we should use behavior shaping. There is more to it than that. A teen boy, due to masculine inadequacies, is often most drawn to females to feel comfortable, safe and unthreatened because the world of boys and men is completely foreign.

 While other boys find females intriguing and in possession of something they do not have, the pre-homosexual boy finds members of the same sex intriguing and is similarly drawn to them. We have to help these boys understand where and why they feel this way and how change is possible. My long experience is that many of these boys and girls are happy to hear our message. They thought they were “doomed” because of their past. At one and the same time they liked and did not like what the gay community was telling them, some more, some less. Remember that if a boy perceives his father as cold and distant or disinterested or critical or rejecting he will experience a hurt that is narcissistic. That is why narcissism – a preoccupation of the self – is a large part of the male homosexual condition.

3. What we now know about brain development:

 For years it was commonly held that the human brain was largely “a finished product” by the time a child reaches the age of 12 and the brain is full grown inside. According to new studies, the pre-frontal cortex (CEO of the brain) usually does not reach a level of genuine maturity until a person reaches their mid twenties. So for an adolescent to say that they know they are homosexual at 12 or 14 or 16 or 18 is simply an error of fact which the gay community wants them to believe. And that’s why adolescents need guidance to protect their future hope, future health and future happiness especially in this area. They need a parent to skillfully help them navigate this turbulent time of life.

4. A leading expert explains:

 Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., who has seen hundreds and hundreds of homosexual youth, encourages us to help our boys change, especially those who have been homosexually abused. He says: “The reality is that homosexual behavior is itself a reparative drive. Homosexuals are trying to get identification, specifically gender identity, and emotional needs met…this news provides great relief for men who have been labeled gay.”

 “They are simply seeking normal things such as a secure masculine identity that other boys received, but for some reason they did not. In other words, this explains why homosexuality is about meeting legitimate God-given needs in illegitimate ways. This also explains why the gay culture is harming many young boys with its claims that ‘God made me this way so it must be right.’”

5. What about those saying it’s genetic and therefore inevitable:

 In addition, genetic inheritance is a predisposition, but not inevitable. So the claim that it’s genetic therefore it’s inevitable is an error of fact.

6. Father Flanagan’s Mission:

Those of us who carry on Father Flanagan’s mission also carry on the vision and values of traditional Christian scripture and teaching. Father Flanagan was a man of faith. Our solid Christian heritage is that God made us male and female and if Adam wasn’t complete without Eve and Eve wasn’t complete without Adam, the complimentarity is central to our faith. The Book of Genesis says we are made in the image and likeness of God. The female images God in her female way. The male images God in his male way, etc., etc. And when the two become one flesh in a permanent faithful love then that is the way God wishes children to be born.

 So those of us who work with children at Boys Town need to help our boys and girls learn the faith that may take root in their hearts. We need to help boys and girls who are struggling with PDA just as we need to help those boys and girls who are struggling with homosexuality. Our Boys Town boys and girls have been marginalized enough without having to be further marginalized by a gay culture.

 If our boys and girls look to the secular culture for answers, they will mostly find lies instead of truth, especially when it comes to sexuality, drugs, alcohol, money and popularity. In our heart of hearts, we already know that.

 One recent example is this. The California Supreme Court said that same sex unions could be entered into by state law. And a few days later, the Mayor of San Francisco presided over such gay unions. On the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle was a huge picture of a younger, skinny African American young man marrying a fat, older white man. The African American had his hand extended in triumph and joy. Father Peter immediately recognized the African American from somewhere else. Father Peter remembered that when this lad was a boy he had been sexually abused by a white male and the white male had told him, like a curse: “You will always be attracted to older white males.” That’s a tragedy and yet the gay community was celebrating it. How sad!

More reading on this topic. Please call Focus on the Family to purchase these.

 Order the Love Won Out series from Focus on the Family at www.lovewonout.com or (800) A-FAMILY.
 Buy all three of the booklets, the first is The Truth Comes Out – The Roots and Causes of Male Homosexuality.
 The second is The Heart of the Matter – The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality.
 The third is Responding to Pro-Gay Theology: What Does the Bible Really Say.
 Also read Respect and the Facts – How to have both in the sexual orientation debate by Throckmorton, Gutierrez, Smith and Thompson to be found at Carolina Maud Publishing, Grove City, Pennsylvania.
 For further information go to The Medical Institute in Austin, Texas at www.medinstitute.org

The Heart of the Matter – The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality
by Focus on the Family
Review written by Val J. Peter

INTRODUCTION

Many of the girls who have come to us have been introduced to same sex relations when very young and have been told they are lesbian or they “go both ways.” Most of our kids come from families that did not pass on strong Christian values for some reason or another. They have been influenced by television, movies, music and other forms of media which try to convince them that freedom from restraints is the only true freedom and lesbianism is simply another alternative lifestyle you should experiment with. One would think that all this discussion/argument eventually would bring clarity and truth to the matter, but it hasn’t. The media proponents of female homosexuality want liberation of women from sexual restraints. They have little interest in the truth and they are good at selling their ideas.

Focus on the Family trusts that this material on female homosexuality will strip away the false myths and mixed messages and foster a new understanding and passion for women struggling with same sex attraction. Care and compassion are needed, along with a strong dose of truth. We need to be concerned for their pain and their struggle and try to share with them and all others the transforming power of God’s love and forgiveness without compromising the truth. So let us begin.

1. Female homosexuality is different from male homosexuality:

 Female homosexuality is much more complex and different from male homosexuality which Dr. Lawrence Hatterer defines as: “one who is motivated, in adult life, by a definite preferential erotic attraction to members of the same sex and are usually, but not necessarily, engages in overt sexual relations with them.”

 Female homosexuality is much more complex because it involves much more important emotional and relational longings characteristic of women. Three categories are often pointed out. First, are those women who strive to fulfill sexual desires and emotional needs through other women. The second group has not acted out sexually, but has sought completion through an emotional relationship with another woman. The third are those who are too frightened to act upon their desires so they resort to fantasy. All three types have a primary yearning to find completion of themselves – a sense of wholeness – within a real or imaginary relationship with other women.

 Then there is an increasing number of young women who are sexually experimenting with other young women. They consider this “cool.” They have a heterosexual identity and their same gender involvement is only temporary.

2. Root causes of lesbianism:

 The first component is the relationship between mother and daughter. A daughter’s need for security, love and affirmation from mother are legitimate needs. They should have been fulfilled through the nurturing and bonding between herself and her mother. For various real or perceived reasons, the daughter sees her mother as uncaring, uninvolved and unconcerned about her daughter’s needs. In a daughter there is created a same sex love deficit…same sex longing in the daughter. At puberty, the deficit can become sexualized. Seeking out lesbian relationships can be seen as a way to restore what was missing between mother and daughter.
 The second component is the relationship between father and daughter. A father’s relationship with his daughter should provide (remember this is the first significant male in a little girl’s life) both an affirmation of his daughter’s femininity (you are my princess) and a sense of security (nobody is going to mess with you, princess). What if this is lacking?
 A third component is a dysfunctional family. If a father is abusive to his wife, the little girl may not learn to trust men and even find ways to live without them. If a mother is critical or disrespectful of her husband, a daughter may develop a negative attitude towards men, especially as fathers or husbands.
 An identity struggle is the fourth component. What if there is rejection, abandonment and separation from mom and negative or abusive treatment by dad? A young girl may find herself unacceptable, unsafe and ugly and even despise being female.
 Traumatic events are the fifth component. Sexual abuse, incest, molestation and rape! A conservative estimate is that about 80% of all lesbians have been sexually violated in some way. For some, compulsive and obsessive behaviors can develop such as overeating, alcoholism and drug addiction. A sexually abused little girl (in the majority of cases by men) may fear involvement or hate all men.

3. The special importance for girls of relating and connecting:

 Sometimes it happens when mother is perceived as distant, bitter, critical, overbearing and unloving that her little daughter may begin to detach from mom in a defensive fashion because the little girl doesn’t want the pain or rejection or emptiness. The little girl can then refuse to relate any longer to mom even if mom’s love is offered.

 It should be clear that relating and connecting are much more important to a female’s sense of identity, much, much more important.

4. Lesbian and abuse:

 Anne Paulk conducted a study (2001) of women overcoming homosexuality. Of the 265 women responding, the results are eye opening about preconditioning factors:

- 69.1% experienced emotional abuse.
- 66.4% were victims of sexual abuse.
- 55.7% received emotional trauma including sexual innuendoes and specific
sexual remarks that made her feel violated.
- 53.2% were verbally abused.
- 39.6% felt abandoned.
- 32.5% were victims of physical abuse.
- 20.0% felt utterly neglected.

 Of those who were sexually abused, almost 80% were molested by males and 42% of these cases were incestuous. Twenty percent were molested by females.

5. Here are examples of words that can affirm a girl’s gender identity in a positive way:

 Mom: I am so glad I have you as a daughter. (The opposite: you don’t even look like a girl)
 Dad: I love you princess. You are my precious little girl and always will be. (The opposite: girls are worthless)
 Peers: Come on; let’s go play at Sue’s house. It’s not the same without you. (The opposite: you should have been a boy)

6. Misplaced emotional need for attachment and security:

 Emotional dependency happens when a woman deposits her identity and well being in another woman. The lesbian believes she is validated, accepted and secure only if she shares a connection with another woman and this sort of connection is not healthy. When that relationship is threatened, she is thrown into a crisis because her true self-identity has not been formed. So there is a lot of insecurity in lesbians. “Insecurity about who I am and not knowing how to get where I want to be. Those are bottom-line motivations for staying in lesbian relationships.” So the lesbian struggle isn’t so much centered on a sexual drive as it is on the emotional need for attachment and security.

 Some make a two-fold comparison of a lesbian’s life with that of a baby:

- First, the emotional need for attachment and security parallels that of a baby.
- Secondly, when a woman is separated in her primary relationship, the
emotional blow is so devastating that she is filled with hopelessness. (If a mother/infant relationship is severed, a baby may actually die.)
- Another similarity is adult female homosexuals want to nestle in another
woman’s arms with the need to be comforted, to be loved and to be accepted.
- Oftentimes a young girl suffers greatly from an alcoholic or drug family. Her
father does not even attend to her emotional needs and her mother is a victim or co-dependent.
- Or oftentimes a girl is sexually abused when she is 11, 12 or 13 or she saw a
man take advantage of her mother or even her father had stacks of pornographic magazines.
- And when a young girl then wants to experiment with guys sexually to find
out if she really is gay she runs into a male culture that rips off girls. They only want sex.

 The key to healing:

 The key to healing is to develop healthy same sex relationships, real friendships and to find adult and other males and females who really were interested in you, not for exploitation but because you are who you are.

 We live in a culture that proclaims that same sex relationships are “normal”. And when a young girl comes out of a dysfunctional family, she can easily start to believe that that is true.

 Many of our girls find great relief in the thought that they do not have to be gay and that lesbianism at its core is not primarily about sex but about meeting legitimate God given needs in illegitimate ways.

 We have to, as Family-Teachers and youth care workers, be very, very vigilant that we help our children.

More reading on this topic. Please call Focus on the Family to purchase these.

 Order the Love Won Out series from Focus on the Family at www.lovewonout.com or (800) A-FAMILY.
 Buy all three of the booklets, the first is The Truth Comes Out – The Roots and Causes of Male Homosexuality.
 The second is The Heart of the Matter – The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality.
 The third is Responding to Pro-Gay Theology: What Does the Bible Really Say.
 Also read Respect and the Facts – How to have both in the sexual orientation debate by Throckmorton, Gutierrez, Smith and Thompson to be found at Carolina Maud Publishing, Grove City, Pennsylvania.
 For further information go to The Medical Institute in Austin, Texas at www.medinstitute.org